A Great Wound and the Restoration

I wrote this blog around mid-2016 while I was going through a men’s purity course.

The best way to describe the objective of a men’s purity course is that it brings the concept of re-starting life with a clean slate from theory into physical and mental reality.

I never knew it was possible to rewrite the neural pathways of the brain, changing fundamental, core principles of worldview. This is not about adapting to circumstances. This is actual change so that responses to life’s ups and downs are distinctly different from what they would’ve been in the past. No more pretences, masks, or feigned reactions.

Toleration, stoicism, endurance, and adaptation are psychological devices for getting along with life, but actual change in the brain mechanics (or soul) that allow sincere empathy is quite another!

The men’s purity course was a nine-month weekly session that allowed the opportunity of confronting deep, old wounds, overcoming the most commonly permissible addictions of western culture, breaking bad habits, and forging a brand new, clean, clear, objective foundation in Jesus; a proper fresh slate.

It took the execution of vulnerability and transparency that I never knew I possessed to walk this path, but a fresh start doesn’t come easy. We have so much baggage. All of this baggage is relative to the individual so whether it seems like small or big problems, it’s all in the eyes of the beholder.

The blog below was a confession I wrote on my church blog during the purity walk…

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A Great Wound and the Restoration

For the longest period of time, my greatest most embarrassing, humiliating wound, my most potent weakness, was that I’ve never been able to call someone my girlfriend; my partner.

I don’t blush, but I can feel my face heating up as I write this…

A relationship is something so normal and simple to human existence in both the secular and Christian world, yet it’s an experience that’s completely and utterly eluded me.

To be able to walk hand-in-hand down the road…to be able to go to the cinema…to take in a sunset or night sky with a partner…it’s ridiculous, I know, but these are standard activities I’ve NEVER ever experienced.

I’m aware many people take having a partner for granted and fail to recognise how much their significant other contributes to their overall behaviour and confidence in life.

Similar to the lack of appreciation for being gifted with three meals a day, having a roof over one’s head, or breathing clean air, a partner is often neglected for the part they powerfully play in a person’s confidence.

But there it is – a great wound in my heart. By my old perception, this was a rejection from the world and for over a decade, I felt it to be a rejection and betrayal from God the Father.   

EEC Restoration Encounter Weekend (- July 2016)

During the recent Emmanuel Evangelical Church Restoration Encounter Weekend (July 15 – 17, 2016), we were compelled to confront our most profound moments of hurt and seek healing through forgiveness and prayer.

This involved transparency with things we deemed shameful in a steadfast, honest manner, freeing us from the internal strongholds that the world inflicts to keep us prisoner of our own minds.    

It was a true working of Ephesians 4:23 and Romans 12:2, tearing down the deceptions that were constructed in us from childhood through to adolescence, right up to the present day.

It wasn’t a simple matter of putting the past behind us like so many new age philosophies instruct. We were guided to revisit and visualise those most painful issues where the lies were implanted and speak Truth into them through the power of the Holy Spirit.

There is no doubt that this was all part of God’s perfect plan for me and I’m certain all attendees felt the same with the honest, humble, transparency in fellowship we experienced through God.

Men’s Purity Group (- 2016)

I’ve been laughed at. And I do mean really laughed at for what I’m about to say…but, it’s what I’m facing now and hiding away from it is just not the Godly way.

In my blogs so far, I keep referring to March 26, 2016 EEC Easter Conference, because it was here when everything changed and I was placed into ‘the wilderness’ – the testing ground of faith. It’s not easy and I’m currently at a stage where I have no idea where my life will lead tomorrow, but the good Word says when one puts their life into God’s hands, there shouldn’t be an attempt to control the future or a looking to the future at all; one is to live for every day as it comes: Matthew 6:34.

Since then, I have had to face off with the most challenging aspects of faith. I only know they’re the most difficult points of the faith lifestyle from talking to multiple ‘veteran’ Christians.

The first crucial area I had to deal with was ‘rejection’ in the aforementioned form.

Rejection as we know is huge, and effective, efficient healing of the past is vital in order to move into a solid foundation with God for the present.

The second area that has emerged is the one that even as I write these words, I’m slightly afraid to say, because it’s shocking even in Christian circles.

When my pastor told me ‘no sex before marriage’ when I first joined the church in January 2015, my mind quietly laughed at what seemed like a preposterous notion. But by power of God, I have been celibate until present amid a horrible pulling sensation in my stomach that sometimes occurs with the accompanying thoughts:

You’re missing out Stephen.

You could be enjoying yourself.

What the hell are you doing?

You are wasting your life!

But I know that thought process and it’s not conducive toward my development…far from it.

I’m also aware of the absolute truth: 2 Samuel 22:31. If I decide to go my own way—bars, pubs, clubs—I will end up hurting…a lot.

Keeping that all in mind, Matthew 5: 28 – 29 is the verse that poses the greatest challenge for single Christian men around the world. This line takes one’s Christian life to that point where I had to ask a blunt question.

Will I follow God’s way or choose my own?

There is a great deal about sexual immorality in the Bible, but this is the focal verse that informs us that looking at certain pictures and videos is wrong.

It took a year and two months of asking God about this, before I had that logic-defying answer from Him that put me on the path of spiritual purity, joining a men’s purity group through the Kingdom Works Conquer Series.

All I can say about this is there are countless distractions and I cannot deny my trepidation in this – it’s the movement that has now made me live every day as it comes and I’m honestly unable to see the future.

I have finally let go of all control of my life. I would not be telling the truth if I didn’t confess my fear, and also the feeling like I’m a monk.

The fact is on December 22, 2014, I emerged out of a sex-rampant country where infidelity is rife.

To make such a transformation of mind is not easy, but only the Holy Spirit can get me through. I’m praying I meet that special woman soon, because the men’s purity course has also drawn a complete blank as to who she will be, how I will meet her…how I will talk to her…everything.

The reason it’s drawn a blank is because I’ve had my own preconceptions about partnership and marriage erased.

Signs from God

Moving forward with God, I cannot rely solely on the reading of the Bible anymore. I don’t mean to say the Bible is inadequate, but what I’m suggesting is application of its teachings needs to be a reality.

My connection with the Lord has to be stronger and for someone like myself who stands priding himself on rationality, this is very hard.

Signs from God are what people in the secular world will often term as ‘coincidence.’ But as someone who has difficulty hearing from God, HE uses my observation and attention to intricate visual details that most would miss.

For me, Restoration Weekend was part of God’s perfect way of showing me things. Two days before, I had bought a book—Switch on Your Brain—that had been recommended to me from a member of my purity group. 

To see that this was the sole book being promoted at my Restoration conference, despite the thousands (maybe millions) of secondary Christian resources that could have been there, showed me that I’m on the right path.  

If you are a new Christian or if not, how has your life’s journey been to the present day? Any major shifts in worldview? Please SHARE