18.4.2020.
The weekend is here.
Even though the days right now are all pretty much the same with ZOOM video conference calls on certain evenings, the weekend still feels like a weekend – a time to relax, collect thoughts, and reflect.
I’m focused on this “condemning mindset” situation that I’ve been meditating on for just over three weeks now…
(25) The universe comes to collect on my vow like a demon after my soul…
2008 – 2009. Age Twenty-Five.
This year–Oct 2008 – Oct 2009–marked a rock-bottom depression. A really nasty time…
In April 2009, I experienced my first-ever proper heartbreak with a girl from overseas. We hadn’t even reached the point where we were exclusive, but I believed in fidelity and patience. She had other ideas…
It was a resounding message to me from the universe; I still hadn’t had a girlfriend in my life and I wasn’t good enough for a relationship.
This sent my mind to an exceptionally dark thought process that amounted to self-destructive behaviour the likes of which I’d never ventured.
I returned to London from Southampton in June 2009, having been made redundant from my job as an insurance underwriter.
The economic recession that had wrecked the globe translated to me as an impossible scenario where for the first time ever, I faced the consequences of something uncontrollable and unfair.
The hard lesson learned here was simply this: there was nothing I could do. No control.
Furthermore, this was the first true realisation that life was out of my control.
This lesson was contrary to what I’d heard, read, and seen in motivational conferences, videos, and self-help books.
I now saw that the power wasn’t in my hands, because there was something greater than human strength; this power went by many names: ‘chaos,’ ‘unfairness,’ ‘unlucky,’ ‘devastating spontaneity.’
When this force came knocking, its unpredictable nature put blows upon me, leaving nothing but a decision to move forward…or die…
I drank a lot of alcohol that summer and maxed out my credit cards.
I was at my most angry and depressed ever…
Long days were spent in my dressing gown with the curtains drawn.
I started experiencing black-out drunk moments where I would completely forget myself.
This was horrible.
I’d very rarely lost time, but the compulsion to drink my problems away was so strong.
My twenty-fifth birthday hit and like how a demon comes to collect on a soul indebted to it, the universe came to collect on my vow I’d made at fifteen years old…
I had made a vow to the universe that I would: “leave the country in 10 years time if I wasn’t happy.”
It had been exactly 10 years.
I didn’t see the opportunity as a terrible demonic collector at the time.
It was through a relative, who generously offered me the opportunity to leave the country and find a job on the islands of the Caribbean.
I perceived it as a fresh start.
This was a very odd experience because everyone who knew me, knew leaving the country wasn’t my kind of adventure.
I very much disliked anything outside my comfort zone.
I didn’t like travelling and when on vacation, rather than explore, I preferred staying in the hotel and relaxing with good food and booze.
But…an unknown force or energy pushed me to follow through with my vow, despite the fact that everything inside me screamed, “no!”
Message from Jesus – “-”
Message from the World – “God doesn’t exist, hates you, or doesn’t care. You’ve totally messed up this life. Start again in the Caribbean. There’s nothing left for you here.”
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