21.4.2020.
I woke this morning and something had changed.
I can’t explain this phenomenon and although I’m always quick to rationalise a change of this nature, I have to leave it as a mystery of God.
I’ve been praying and asking for something deep inside my mind to be changed; a condemnation of self and people, that’s been in me since I was young.
I believe a piece of this condemnation–possibly just a small piece–has been lifted.
I’m thankful.
Going forward, I hope to be more empathetic and forgiving from an internal perspective rather than just an external one.
(29) Free at last!
2012 – 2013. Age Twenty-Nine.
For what was one of the most debilitating experiences, on June 21, 2012, I was finally free…
Before my emancipation from the entrapment of a ridiculously exaggerated bar fight scenario, I had many dark moments.
During one of the more severe troughs–around March/April 2013–a friend on the islands who I shall never forget, directed me to the Bible.
It was the first time that I’d ever purchased a copy of the Scriptures, let alone read it without the obligation of school studies.
It was a black paperback KJV Bible.
My friend directed me to read Proverbs, Psalms, and Job. He said it would help me through my difficulties.
He was one of the only people to show me the kind of empathy I needed to survive and heal during this period; not that others didn’t try, but the offer of “have another whiskey on me,” just wasn’t the remedy here.
In reading the recommended Bible literature, I didn’t like Psalms.
Simply put, it was a book that revealed a man’s love for God. I couldn’t understand it and found it irritating.
Proverbs amazed me with the wisdom it provided.
Powerful, simple, intelligent words were strung together in verses to compose wise applicable action to life.
Job was the big surprise.
Job was about a man who lost everything without learning the reason why.
Something special happened when I read the ending, that remains a mystery till this day (4.7.2020).
At the conclusion of the story–after the suffering Job had questioned God’s ways–God confronted Job.
The astonishing part was that God didn’t give the protagonist Job an answer to the question “Why me?” that we all ask when something terrible happens to us.
Instead, God spilled a monologue so powerful that mentally, I was on my knees in reverence.
This made no sense.
What I was experiencing with the Caribbean courts (of which I will go into detail in The Paradise Seduction), allowed no rational or logical reason to feel awe for God.
In fact, I had every bit of tangible evidence to feel and think the opposite.
– Stress and anxiety had taken me to new depths of ‘functioning depression;’ – my physical health was deteriorating;
– I had to hospitalise myself following a brutally sharp stabbing pain in my heart (to this day I’ve never felt such anguish),
– I was being attacked by vicious night terrors when I’d try to turn in for sleep,
– and, I felt more alone in the world than ever before.
Daily, my heart palpitations were so fierce, that I’d sometimes look down at my shirt to watch it lifting off my chest.
I’d focus on the area, attempting to telepathically tell my heart to stop beating so fast.
It grew so unbearable that I visited the GP to get a subscription for large red pills that would essentially slow the pace of my heart.
If I’d hated the idea of God before, I had absolutely no reason to think positively of Him or the concept now.
Yet, when I read that speech at the end of the book of Job, I was amazed by God’s power…
Most assumed I’d leave the islands after all the charges had been dismissed by the judge.
In fact, a lot of people had said that if they’d been in my position, they’d have escaped the islands before the court proceedings began.
At one of my lowest points, I remember one restaurateur–who shall remain unnamed–offering to take me on his boat across to Puerto Rico; “slip across ‘the drink’ to get a flight back to London…”
With what I witnessed of the law, from police procedure right up into judicial proceedings, I learned that the fallibility of man is in every protective institution.
I could and would never trust in the law of man ever again.
BUT…now that it was all over, there was a new found desire to live on the islands.
The first four years had been nightmare after nightmare, but it was as if I’d earned my right to a good life.
I deserved paradise now.
I fully intended to use my ‘rite of passage.’
I was the editor at a small marketing and publishing firm that was doing great work on the island.
It was my time to shine. My time to finally enjoy life the way it was supposed to be and flourish in my writing career.
I was excited.
I had a new appreciation for life, granted by suffering the loss of my basic mental freedoms…
Message from Jesus – “Read Proverbs, Psalms, and Job. Revere God. And put aside the question of ‘why me?'”
Message from the World – “Stay on the island. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it after what you’ve been through.”
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